My swimming performance has reached dizzy heights: £17.50 a week. This buys me a 30 minute lesson.
My teacher told me that my stroke is "acceptable". "That's as maybe", I said, breathing carefully out through my nose, and keeping my fingers clenched and elbows bent, "but using that stroke I can't yet swim 450m without choking".
She said I needed a more positive attitude. And more practice.
The second week she told me to change to position of my head: "The water", she said, "should be half-way between your goggles and your hairline".
We looked at each other for a moment in silence "What I mean is ...", she said... "It's OK, I know what you mean", said, I.
I could have drowned.
Four weeks to go.